Digesting Depression
Psalm 42:3,5 NIV ~ My tears have become my food day and night... Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me ? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
The only logical way I could think of how to start this dish is with the Word...because it is the Word that has been nourishing me through these days of depression.
Why my soul? A question that was asked many years ago in the book of Psalms, and honestly one that I never thought I would be asking myself. But I have come to understand that no matter how God fearing, no matter how much money is in the bank, or great someone's life seems, no one is exempt from the possibility of developing the distasteful dish of depression. Depression can happen at any time, at any place, and to anyone.
And so here I am, at the table stomaching a feeling that once was unfamiliar in my life. Like the psalmist, I asked again, why my soul? How did we get to this place? How long will we be here? Is this permanent? God, are you in the midst? Is this the enemy? Why my soul, why?
For me, the answers to these questions are still developing. I am still in search of therapist that is the right fit (and cost) for me, but in the mean time I am consistently seeking the greatest of therapists and that is God. I know without a doubt there is as a reason for this season, and as a matter of fact, in my intentional time with Him, He has revealed to me some of the factors that may be contributing to my depression...one being comparison.
I am sure that some of you, at one time or another, have found yourself standing in the middle of comparison, and it's honestly not your fault. The world we live in perpetuates the idea that being similar or even better than some one of great success is of high importance. I am here to caution you against living this type of life, because the un-talked about side effects of constantly comparing your life to another's could include the development of depression.
I know that this is at least part of the case for me. When I sat to truly digest what was going on inside of me, one of my number one frustrations was work/career. The interesting aspect about this though is that I LOVE my job. So I couldn't understand why was I so obsessed/unsatisfied with the current of my career.
For me, it is partly coming to terms with the value in career advancement, but mostly the place that social networking and society's standards have taken in my life.
I have learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was in filtering the information I scroll past everyday. I quickly discovered that I became discontent with having acquired two bachelor's degrees and working full time, while many of friends were graduating with advanced degrees. Although not jealous, this tore me up for quite some time and I began to question the plans that me and the Father had already solidified.
Then there are the life milestones.
While other's lives are full of milestones I've felt a freeze on mine. Yall know how it goes marriage and then comes baby in the baby carriage. Well, although marriage is a deep desire of my heart, God has not yet placed it on my plate.
Give me a minute...writing this is especially hard... *breaths* ok back to what I was saying... I do not want to come off as a complainer, but this is my truth. I have had to face the deceptions of feeling lonely. Key word, deception. Yes, I do live alone and am financially responsible for my life and so on and so forth (Adulting is too real yall) however, depression was trying to tell me that not only have I lived alone for so many years, but that I am actually alone to deal with life.
This is simply not true! And I know this... I am just waiting for the truth to turn into a testimony.
I am thankful that while I wait, I do have a very loving and supportive collective of family and friends who keep me lifted even when I am down...and for that I am forever grateful. In also thank God for the many blessings that are taking place in other lives, and thankful that I have NOT adopted a jealous spirit.
But despite understanding that I am not alone, and that God is continuing to craft His master plan for me... to be completely honest I am still experiencing times of discontent and "downness" which has caused spiritual warfare within my soul.
I do not know if you all have ever been in this place before, but it is very difficult. So difficult, that I can not quite put into words this state of being. What I can tell you though is that the last thing I want, is to be a soul that is without God.
So with the being said, I write this post because God has communicated with me that my story is never just for me, and so I want to share with you a few things that I have learned through my recent wrestle with depression:
1. The importance of addressing the feeling for what it is
2. Being aware of the signs
3. Getting professional help
4. Being good to yourself
5. Having faith that it will be well.
Let's address the first. Now I am not a mental health specialist, but currently and in the past I have worked with children and adults who are dealing with mental health difficulties, and thus have learned some of the subtle warning signs of depression. These include but are certainly not limited to: not being interesting in things that typically interest you, mood swings, and a change in eating and or social habits. I experienced each and everyone of these. On the outside I remained very functional, but I knew what I was fighting on the inside was NOT normal.
Secondly, I personally have found comfort in embracing and using the word depression. Though the world would like to keep this word stigmatized, when I use this word I understand that I am completely aware and in tune with my being. In other words, when I use this word I am not in denial, but in understanding of my present, and know that it is ok, to not be ok.
I've learned that deliverance can only come if you know where you are.
In addition, I would like to say, do not let others judge your depression. Some might say, "How can you be depressed when you have so much going for you" or "But you aren't experiencing half of what's going on with others". Like I said in the beginning, depression has no preference. Do not let another question you for being in tune with YOUR life.
Third, seeking prayer and professional help is so important. I re-posted on my instagram once an image stating, It's ok to have Jesus and a therapist and it is SO so true. God would not have gifted therapists with their ability if it wasn't intended to be used. So do not be afraid to seek help if you feel that you maybe in the midst of depression.
To help get you started on your healing journey are some great resources that I have come across in my own journey through depression. They are the Therapy for Black Girls podcast and the associated website, https://www.therapyforblackgirls.com/therapist-directory/ which particularly highlights practices of African- American therapists located across the country. Also, if you or anyone you know may be fighting against thoughts of suicide please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. A call can save a precious life ! Additionally, you may also bring a loved one to a local emergency department where immediate mental health care and safety is made available.
After seeking help and understanding how your depression manifests, we are left to live with it. This does not mean permanently, but at least for a time which is why is so important to be good and patient with yourself.
In my life, this means lots and lots of prayer. It also means challenging myself to accomplish something no matter how big or how small, keeping my friends and family in the loop, and most importantly to not be ashamed because this is the framework for greater. I challenge you to try the same. Things may not resolve in a day, but PUSH (P.ray U.ntil S.omething H.appens) through and never give up. You are precious.
Finally, I want to you to know that it is WELL.
Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a Tori Kelly concert at the Warner Theater and let me tell you it was so AMAZING and so on time. I remember sitting by myself, in the middle of the concert , sobbing as Kelly and her vocalists sang Soul's Anthem. In that moment, I realized depression had actually been my soul food. The food I needed to get closer to God. The food that was ironically was keeping me from being alone and more dependent on Him. Now, I understand that through it all, it is WELL.
I once questioned, why my soul? But now I know that it is well with my soul...and this is how I choose to digest my depression.
Always served with love,
Dri ♥